Sometimes life just doesn't work out the way we want it to. Often the perfect plan we envision for our life doesn't come to pass. We might not get rich, maybe we don't have perfect health, or perhaps we didn't get that promotion. The bottom line is that we all are going to fall down and face failure. There are going to be days when there is no way to get over the hill, we will not be able to cross the river, and we will not be able to see through the fog. It is during these days that we will have to rely on God to steer us through to the other shore.
One of my greatest fears is that I will not be a good father or a good husband. As I have struggled in this battle with Leukemia I have trembled in fear at the thought of not being able to care for my boys and my wife. What kind of a man lets down his children? What kind of man would I be if I cannot put food on the table or pay the bills? When I lost my job a few weeks ago I was beside myself with grief. I had hit rock bottom. I was the ultimate failure. My body was giving out. I had lost my job. I couldn't provide for my family. I couldn't do many of the jobs that needed done around the house. I was failing miserably. I was a loser and I didn't want my children to see that. But as I spoke with my wife and we prayed and studied God reminded me that there is a greater example to be shown. One of trust and reliance.
I have to trust God and allow him to carry me through this difficult time. I do not know what the future holds for me, but I do know who holds the future. In Him I will trust. He has provision for me that will not run dry and cannot fail. I went to see some of the specialist just two days after losing my job and they were glad I wouldn't be working they said the job might have been a contributing factor to my problems. I have now been off a couple of weeks and I feel better. I have applied for some new jobs (now that I have graduated with my bachelors degree) and they all would be at higher pay rates, the doctors are saying I may end up disability, and God is guiding it all. I do not know where he is taking me, but where ever it is, this is one heck of a ride.
Yes I have been scared! Yes I have fallen prey to my fears! Yes I have failed! But Jesus has been there to comfort me! He has picked me up, dusted me off, and held my hand to walk me the rest of the way. I do not know yet where I will end up; but I am thankful that I have been given the wisdom to see His hand working in my life through these trials and tribulations.
